Two of my significant kink relationships are with people a couple of hours away, so I think a lot about the physical distance between us, and how we maintain a connection through it. If you’re the sort of kinky person who likes the power exchange always on, at least a little bit, distance creates a hurdle to overcome.
I’m lucky to have strong connections which have flowed and thrived at a distance, but luck is enhanced by the work you put in (to steal a phrase my Master once used on me after receiving a gushy late-night text.)
This writing explores the unique challenges of maintaining a dynamic at a distance, and also some tools to work through them, entirely from experience as an obedience-oriented sub.
The yearning. Oh, the yearning.
Kink can be a controlled way to experience intense emotions. I want to feel a little obsessed and in awe of my Dominant. I want to experience enforced helplessness. I want messy but intentional attachment. Doing that at a distance is playing BDSM on hard mode, but it is also very rewarding.
The kind of yearning you experience when on the train home with a spanked arse might be as draining as it is hot. Yearning is romanticised constantly. The reality can be less sexy. All of the standard advice for aftercare stands (Take time to come to ground together after intense play. Check in afterwards. Build in space for comforts you need when alone).
Adding distance means I’m going to experience angst in the days following a hard scene no matter how much aftercare is given. That can be tough, but it is also an opportunity to build resilience. I know the risks, I willingly push myself, and I come out the other end proud to piece myself back together without relying on someone else. That makes me stronger, and I get to take pleasure in becoming a more well-rounded sub.
I spend time recentring by diving into solo hobbies, and take a day per week for something fun just for me.
Establish your boundaries
This yearning is not just tough if you’re experiencing it. It’s also potentially draining for the person receiving it, if it’s shared in an unboundaried way. Receiving a sexual text might make you feel empowered, or it might make you uncomfortable, like you are being used as a means to an end - or just sad you can’t actually do anything about it.
From the sub side, I’ve found protocol and power exchange to be useful for establishing boundaries without withdrawing from the dynamic.
For example, having to ask permission to send something could be hot and connecting, and being told to wait until it’s appropriate might help your partner feel wanted and not rejected even if you’re not available for a charged chat in that moment.
For the Dom side, it’s helpful to know the huge space you might take up in a sub’s mind. Just because you are happy to receive messages doesn’t mean the sub knows that. I’ve often heard new subs making a whole set of assumptions around communcation that have them scared to annoy their Dom with very reasonable communication. Make your capacity clear to prevent someone stewing.
And no matter your role, knowing upfront what each person can give at a distance is more secure than loose and sporadic communication.
So yes, communicate! (but also - how?)
Kink is a complicating factor in a distanced relationship. You’re having to maintain a power connection as well as an emotional one.
Understanding what distanced communication suits your dynamic will help massively for maintaining intention and trust. I’ve learned through being poly that the medium of communication can vary massively dynamic to dynamic, and that’s completely fine.
With my Master, we find free and easy communication suits us best. Often, a couple of texts a day and the odd phone call when we are apart for a long spell is enough to feel connected. There’s trust that I will honour the 24/7 elements of chastity and plugging without being chased. The natural tension this creates internally comes to life when I can submit in person.
With my Maker, doll follows tight and invisible restriction. doll has speech restrictions in person, and needs permission to do… basically everything. Though Maker has a great gauge of how doll is doing non-verbally, or even over basic texts, he’s not a mind reader (doll doesn’t think). We have found journaling to be a rewarding way to maintain protocol while giving him access to doll’s inner world. Over message, doll is allowed a simple vocabulary board, which maintains the tension of being limited and simplified. That is central to our Maker/doll way of relating to each other. It’s a fun creative outlet, and figuring out those communication issues together is lovely.
Incorporating rituals and tasks
A lack of consistency is where many dynamics go to die, and consistency is just as key when you’re not together. I attended a lovely Sunshine Club session on Rituals for Connection at the end of last year, which made me realise how central rituals are to my relationships. I’d define a ritual as a repeated action or behaviour which intentionally draws focus to the dynamic. They can help you find the same headspace, or reinforce something you are building together. In-person rituals are a powerful way to quickly reestablish the exchange after some time apart, and distanced rituals can be powerful for maintaining it. (They can also be done because they’re hot.)
In any case, it’s important for me that rituals or other one-off tasks are done because they have a deeper pull. Getting told to take a picture in my chastity cage every day wouldn’t really cut it for me, if it was asked because of a lack of trust.
To take it as the example, I find chastity to be a surprisingly rich and nuanced form of surrender, which contains within it mini-rituals which, when pointed out, reward me for obedience. Tasks which show my Dominant understands what I’m giving up, not just proof that I’m doing it, always hit me harder.
The pressure to perform
Getting to submit in person is wonderful and intense, but there is undoubtedly pressure to be ‘on’ for both sides given the time in between seeing each other. Be realistic with expectations, and kind when you can’t be your best D/s selves.
Finding low-impact ways to be in dynamic if capacity isn’t there has helped not only soften disappointment but avoid it completely. I once showed up for a weekend of play all giddy and horny, to find my Dom knee-deep in a spreadsheet and operating on little sleep. So, I found joy in cooking him a nice dinner while he slept, which felt appropriate. Later, he popped me in a straight jacket and muzzle, and we cuddled on the couch with a cup of tea and a film (my mug had a straw). We had a wonderful time.
Just as important is finding time to see each other where there’s no expectation of obvious play. Discovering how you relate to each other outside of the excitement and mystery of a scene makes my dynamic deep and sustained.
Have a date booked in
To fight angst, I ask that we plan the next time before I hop on that train. It doesn’t have to be 100% confirmed, or even in the near future. But knowing there is a plan, and we intend to see each other soon is enough. It’s no surprise I’m into the structure of BDSM relationships.
Are you on the same page?
My relationships have developed with a ‘follow what feels good’ ethos, giving time for feelings to develop without too much pressure. But there have naturally been conversations about longterm wants, and I don’t avoid difficult conversations.
Have them heartily. Removing agency and control should feel hard and exciting. It should never feel lonely.